Losing Focus

What does my “habitual focus of attention” say about who I am?

As the Bible tells us, “for where your treasure is, your heart shall be also.”

My mediation for the day cites Jose Ortega y Gasset who challenges, “Tell me to what you pay attention and I will tell you who you are.”

Where is my attention focused? On the internet? On Facebook? Probably. My husband and sons have gone out to see a movie for two hours and I pace around the house as though I have never been here before, utterly lost, rudderless.  I troll the internet, some for work, other times for fun, each time seeking a kernel of validation for my time spent.  Upon reflection, it occurs to me that where my attention is NOT focused is on God. Uh-oh.

During my morning run today, in spite of the beautiful sunrise, a mild summer morning awakening around me and the classical music streaming into my ear from my IPhone, I had no focus on HIM. I had not a moment of thankfulness for the ability to get up and run, not an appreciation for the mystery of creation around me, and no fleeting second of contemplation asking what HE wanted me to do today?  Why? Why?

The answer is that I am afraid of what he might say.  I have grown tired of waiting for him to make a life for me (the kind of  life I think I should have, I might add)…so I am instead trying to make one for myself, stubborn fool that I am!  What if  He tells me to be still and wait. No, I have anesthetized myself to the din of my constant state of rush; the hum of my own perpetual busy-ness, epitomizing the grown-up’s version of fingers in ears chanting, “La, La, La…I can’t hear you” to a Creator who has hardwired his own private entrance into my heart and my head.  The message isn’t a comfortable one! “Let go of the anger,” He demands. “Forgive more,” He encourages.  “Stop asking the world how you are doing, and start asking Me.” That’s a tough one.

I am heartened to remember that God doesn’t require us to  be perfect, just willing.  I am so busy trying to be perfect that perhaps, I have become unwilling, as well. Thankfully for me, every day is a new day to start over again.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. -2 Corinthians 2:9.